Break on through to the other side

It's been forever since I've said hello on my blog. Or said anything for that matter. I can't count the number of post ideas I've composed in my head the last few months only to decide a minute later that nobody would want to read about that. I know it's a waste of precious time to doubt yourself but I also know it's a common thought pattern with artists at times. And bloggers, at least with bloggers who struggle with confidence. I've been in a serious confidence-lacking dungeon. It's a dark place, smells musty and there aren't any windows. Why I've stayed in that place for this long is a mystery to me. The longer I stayed the darker it became. I wondered if I was depressed? Stressed out? Having a midlife crisis? Probably a combination, I decided, of these and a half dozen other factors.

I finally realized I was missing the light. So I climbed out. And here I am. I'm feeling pretty stoked about being above ground again emotionally. My journal needs dusting off. And my sewing machine yearns to have the presser foot pushed flat. There's an empty space where newly made things will perch and items for my etsy shop will sit briefly before being whisked off to some far away place where the new owner lives. My brand new wacom tablet is waiting to be played with and understood.

I'm feeling a real sense of clarity about some things that I've been feeling pent up about for years. Like my website. A real honest-to-goodness website where my design portfolio will live. A place where I can confidently start to sell my services as a designer again. It feels really good to say that.

Seeing the light again is bringing about a flood of realizations. I realize that I need to shed some things. Do I really need a bricks and mortar antique booth and an etsy shop? Do I need to be in the vintage business at all? I'm realizing that my time management skills need a major tune-up too. I need to manage and manage well my current day job while building up my design business. And homeschooling. I've got nothing but improvements to make there.

I'm realizing that I have a passion for illustration. I always have. I'm giving myself permission to think of myself as an illustrator, to open myself up to opportunities to use that talent and passion.

I'm realizing that I've let myself take a big back seat to the people closest to me in my life. As a mother I think that's so innate. It's a good thing, in the right proportion. But I think mine has gone a little twisty at the ends. I've let myself go. I used to be incredibly fit. Not anymore. My clothing size has grown from single digits to double. I suddenly see very clearly that all these things have contributed to that dark little hole I'd crawled into.

So here I am. I'm singling out all the things that have contributed to the mess and cleaning them up. In some cases ridding myself of them entirely. If it was part of the problem then it's not part of the solution. I recognize that I've always righted-myself when life's knocked me over. But this time I feel like I need help. And no, I don't mean meds.

I need someone to help me redefine my focus and reset my goals. A coach perhaps? Maybe an organized way of connecting with others that share similar struggles? But what does that look like? Who is that coach? I started searching and about 10 minutes later I found Tara Gentile. You might know her as scoutiegirl. Her Art of Action program appears to have my name written all over it. I could probably be the poster child for it. I'm thrilled to say that I just signed up.

You've got to pop over and check it out. Her video intro is great. If you are struggling at all with who you are as an artist, where you want to go with your art or craft or feeling like you've gotten stuck in your own dark dungeon I recommend joining me in the Art of Action. I am excited about all the amazingly creative people that I'm going to meet and the breakthroughs that will be had. But most of all, I'm feeling grateful that God has helped me to see the light again.

When Inspiration Strikes

I'm having one of those nights. You know the ones, where your head is swimming with so many ideas that you can't possibly sleep. I love the rush of creativity but I don't care for the hungover feeling I have the next day from lack of sleep. There's no predicting when these nocturnal mindfloods will come and there's certainly no stopping them. This is really not a good night for me to be sleepless though. Tomorrow we're leaving the house with the earlybirds to be at JMU for J'daddy's finals. I was informed by my dear husband that departure is at 6:10 a.m. sharp. Ouch! It's become a bit of a tradition for us to tag along on finals day. We drop J'daddy off on campus, within walking distance of where he'll be testing, and the kids and I tool around town until he's finished. He stresses pretty hard about tests and us tagging along makes him feel all warm and fuzzy. It makes us feel more connected to his school experience. We all sacrifice alot of together-time during the semester and it's a fun little R&R payoff. The best part is when we swing back to pick him up after the tests. We usually hit a nice lunch spot, my favorite is A Bowl of Good, before we head out for more meandering.

So here I am, typing this post at 3:07 a.m. when everyone else in my house, and in my neighborhood for that matter, is sleeping. {sigh} But oh the productivity that I've had from tonight's brain-blast so far! I am so completely excited about the ideas that I've been handed tonight. You see, lately I've been feeling rather 'clogged' creatively. With our recent move and the many changes we've made as a result, I have been overwhelmed and distracted. All the details of daily life have taken the place of extra-curricular thinking and extra-curricular doing. I've also been wrestling over a new business name/brand/identity. It is time to cast off the old and dig into something new. I carry around a little notebook with me wherever I go and it's filled with page after page of possible new biz name ideas. A sickening amount really. But none that were just right. A few days ago I got so frustrated by my creative constipation about renaming my business that I tossed my little notepad across the bedroom, let out a cranky growl and said "Enough already! Lord, please give me a name so I can get things rolling - this is driving me crazy!" Apparently He heard me and decided to get back with me quickly. I have to say I like this new approach – quick response time – thank you very much. Yesterday the new name came to me so easily, so clearly. Today I sketched out my logo and checked out the name on etsy and surprise, surprise - it's available! {more details and a launch date coming very soon, stay tuned!}

I sit here now in my living room huddled under a dim lamp with the scrawled piece of paper that I had on my nightstand. The quick scribblings that I rambled down in the dark, trying not to wake my sweet scholar. Thinking that if I just wrote down one more idea surely that would be the last and I could sleep. No such luck. When I was in art school I used to say that sleep was a luxury, not a necessity. Obviously I was 20-something and could weather a sleepless night a whole lot easier then. I pulled alot of all-nighters working on art projects. After I had my daughter I had the most amazing flow of creativity that I've ever had in my life. I was up nursing every 2-3 hours anyway so that worked out well. I just wrote and sketched and dreamed away while my little one had her midnight snack. Now, at 40-something it's a whole different ballgame. Lack of sleep is one of my migraine triggers. After a sleepless night I find myself the next day around 3 p.m. feeling like I have a buzzing humming vibration coursing through me. Like when you're cranking an old wind-up alarm clock and you turn the knob just a little too far. But I guess those are the trade-offs for such types of inspiration.

I have a close friend who's an accountant and by her own admission not a creative-type. I was sharing with her about this sleep-interrupting brainstorm session-for-one. She looked at me like I had two heads. She said she'd never had that happen to her in her life. You might think that would make me feel bad but instead I smiled, feeling very blessed. I feel like I'm in on some private secret when this happens. I feel very fortunate to be a part of this stream of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes it's creative new uses for old things or concepts for products and services; sometimes inventions, acts of kindness, things I'm to do for other people, prayer reminders, and ideas for a myriad of things. I have another friend who's immensely creative. She jokes that she's given her weekly inspirational checklist while she's at church service on Sunday morning. We laugh about it because we're both in on the joke in our own way. I personally believe that creativity is divine inspiration in most cases. It's true for me anyway. Even when I didn't know that's where it was coming from. That's part of the beauty of it. Now that I accept it and welcome it, it's taken on a whole new meaning and purpose. Tonight alone I've got a list as long as my arm. There's much work to be done. I guess I should start keeping some puffy-eye cream in the fridge, looks like I'm gonna need it.  :-)

It Is What It Is

I hadn't intended on a disappearing act being my entry into the new year. It's been a seriously challenging time for us over the last few months; which has really intensified in the last few weeks. Much has changed and is still changing. It's hard to write creatively when you're emotionally overwhelmed and stressed out. Best laid plans and all. The short version is all that I'm ready to go into right now. For now, here's what's been happening:

We've made the difficult decision to put our house on the market. The economy has cut our family fairly deep and we, like so many of you, are having to do things that wouldn't normally be our first choice. We've got it priced to move and are hopeful a buyer will come along quickly. We've already started the process of looking for a home to rent. It's quite a different mindset after owning for many years. I'm sure we'll land on our feet but this was not something we would have wished on ourselves.

My husband started back to college (part-time), working towards finishing his degree after many years hiatus. James Madison University accepted nearly all his credits from his previous stint at UCA back in the early 90's. (Looks like UCA is still using the logo I designed for them back in 1995, huh). I am blown away by his courage and determination. Not to mention his excellent study habits. It's a new dynamic in our lives but we believe it's worth it.

About two months ago we made the decision to pull our daughter from public school. It was a decision not made lightly but was entirely necessary for her well-being. I gave her about a month to detox mentally and emotionally. I'm seeing her come back around which is incredibly hopeful. Since the new year we've been digging in much deeper with studies and it's been going well. Our son is okay where he's at right now but with a move coming up soon, we'll plan to homeschool for the remainder of this school year. We will re-evaluate for next year once we're moved and settled.

I guess it goes without saying that through all this my anxiety-level has been through the roof! Like alot of things we go through in this life, this series of lessons is pushing me back to a closer relationship with God. My faith is being renewed and for that I am most grateful. I'm working hard, internally, to see this situation as a fresh start for us. Not that we were looking for one, but here it is anyway.

January was to be the opening of my zazzle shop and the relaunch of my etsy shop. I did alot of sewing in December getting things ready but it'll have to wait until we get resettled. My blog giveaways and illustration projects are on hold as well though I will continue to work on design projects throughout the move.

Thanks for hanging with me through this very lean time. I hope to be feeling more inspired soon!

O Holy Night

While you celebrate this special night with family and friends, please take time to think of that little baby born so very long ago. He was, and still is, the most precious gift of all.

Merry Christmas!

Four Trees

I sat on the bank of a lake looking at a tiny island near the middle. On that island, I saw four trees growing closely together. I could see the clear lake wrapped around the island and the colorful mountains surrounding the lake. Yet my eyes returned lovingly to these four trees; beholding them as the most precious sight before me. They are a part of the world around them, yet so separated from it; isolated on that little patch of land in the middle of the water. Each of the four, growing independently, seemed to draw strength from the others. The treetops were hard to distinguish one from another as they visually blended into a dance of limbs and leaves. When storms come and the wind gathers itself across the expanse of the water, the trees stand together to take the hit. The force is absorbed and the stress is less on each tree because they bear the brunt together. I was reminded that there is nothing to fear. God's beauty in nature is all around us. Every moment, every molecule, every thing. If you want to hear God, you have to listen. You have to create a space where He can enter in. That space is called your heart. I am grateful for the lessons that I continue to learn. I am thankful for healing through times of great stress, trouble and loss. And I am thrilled when wisdom and acceptance are lovingly penned into my heart through scenes like this one.

The Power of Nice

I know I've mentioned this before, but I really love libraries. The idea of cooperatively sharing books and knowledge -- for FREE -- is just so perfectly utopian. I've been a card carrying member of our library for 11 years now. Lately I've been purposely seeking out small reads, little books that pack a big punch. A good book that I can easily read in one sitting, or two, at the most. On my last visit I found this little treat, The Power of Nice, by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval, which I read in an afternoon. It's a great little book with a main message of considering every interaction, situation, chance meeting, etc. as an opportunity. An opportunity to share, be helpful and in general, be nice. You never know when a chance encounter might become your next big opportunity. And consider that opportunities go both ways; maybe it's your turn to help someone else discover something big. It's not rocket science really, just simple principles. Much of it stems from biblical teaching, though it does not directly mention that as the source. The Secret and countless other purveyors of universal truths all understand the same principle: Give and it will be given back unto you. Though this book is directly written as a business how-to, it clearly crosses over to much more personal territory. It's a concise reminder of the things that most of us already know. The golden rule revisited. I love how, when you read or study something, you start to see the things around you measured by that knowledge. This week, as I mentioned in my last post, my family was treated in a very rude and uncaring manner by someone we trusted. For a business, this is the kiss of death. For an individual such behavior will quickly poison relationships and dry up opportunities. How hard is it to be nice really? Not fake or fluffy, but truly nice. Maybe we don't have the answer someone is seeking, but we can help them find the answer rather than just turning them away. Consider how your responses can affect someone, whether good or bad. Reading this book won't change your personality but it will remind you of what your missing out on when you chose not to be nice.

Good Samaritans

Let's face it, not every day is a banner day. Look at the rap that Monday gets...it's not Monday's fault, Sunday's just a hard act to follow. And while we all want to focus on the goodness in life, there are surely weeks where tough stuff prevails. This has been one of those weeks for us. Our dog has been very sick since Monday. She is having her 2nd bout with IVDD in 6 months, this time losing the use of her back legs almost completely. Our veterinarian of two years gave us the runaround and did nothing to help. I was shocked that our vet and her staff would actively chose to makes things worse in a crisis situation. They even refused to give over our xrays to share with another vet, though they finally relented. I was so angry and confused by their lack of compassion and professionalism I wasn't sure what to do. Thankfully I had a contact at Dachshund Rescue of North America, Jane, who has been absolutely fabulous. Her advice, compassion and help have been priceless! She made a few calls, with the help of some other caring local DRNA folks, and found us a local vet that saw us right away. Commonwealth Vet Clinic was wonderfully caring and professional with very prompt service and reasonable fees. Bunny will be crate resting for several weeks, taking meds and hopefully improving. It's interesting in a crisis situation that a stranger is so willing and eager to help, when someone you know well may do nothing to help. Reminds me of my favorite Bible story, The Good Samaritan. The story is a reminder to all of us to help one another, have compassion for one another and to have the courage to reach out and take action on someone else's behalf. I chose this particular youtube clip because it's my kids favorite. Gotta love storytelling with legos! Plus it helps me to smile a little in a week that's not given me much to smile about.